And ANOTHER thing...
You know the worst part?I keep having flashes where I beat myself up for having formed such a tight dyad with the girl, knowing that I'd eventually have to go back to work and break it up.
I am beating myself up. For bonding with my child.
How messed up is that? I mean, think about it: part of me feels that I've done harm to my child by providing a warm, secure, nurturing environment for her first 8 months. And I can't help it, because it feels like I've done a huge bait-and-switch on her.
I know we were lucky to have those 8 months. I do. I know most people in the US don't get that long before having to go back to work.
But I've got this visceral anger eating me up right now, and that makes it hard to feel the lucky. I'm angry at the lack of decent maternity leave in this country, and I'm angry the lack of more than lip service support for working mothers, especially the nursing ones. Most of all, I'm angry at myself. For needing to go back to work, for wanting to go back to work, for leaving her in daycare all day long, for having pumping problems, and for not somehow managing to prepare us both for all of the above back when the days were ours.
posted by mohmlet @ 10:26 PM
3 Comments:
I have no real advice or solutions to offer. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you and the Squeak are having such a rough time. And, that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I know how it seems - if you had spent less time with her, you guys would both be feeling better now. While that's probably true on the surface, I don't think it holds up. Surely you both got some benefit from being so close, even if it's intangible,
The anger is righteous, not that it makes it any better for your who has to endure it with little hope of actually improving anything soon. But do try not to be angry with yourself. If you're angry that you're caught in a difficult culture for mothering, that's not YOUR fault. EVERY MOTHER I KNOW (well enough to talk aout stuff like this) has the same anger. Turn it outwards, not to you.
It gets easier and easier, too, and 8 mos is so much better than 3 mos or 6 weeks. I am imagining leaving my 3 month old in group daycare with 3 other infants. I can't. I could leave Eve with a single caregiver when she was 3 months old, but someone with 3 other babies to hold? Ack.
Please, PLEASE stop beating yourself up. You are a wonderful mother, and the problems you are having are part of our stupid culture, not things due to what you did or didn't do.
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